Thoughts on breathing

weapon of mass destruction, capable of taking out anyone in a ten-foot radius? And there’s morning breath. Yuk. Don’t get me started. When you have a cold, breathing through your nose becomes impossible. Your sinuses are so clogged up that you feel you’re suffocating. You resort to breathing through your mouth, which just makes you look like a fish out of water. Not a good look. Have you ever tried to hold your breath for as long as possible? I used to do this in the swimming pool as a child. I wanted to be Tarzan or some other action hero who could swim underwater forever. After a few seconds, your body is like, “Hey, what the heck? I need some air!” And then you gasp like a fish out of water. It’s embarrassing, really. Of course, some take breathing to a whole new level. I refer to yogis who control their breathing to go without oxygen for minutes at a time. How do they do it? I’m not sure I want to mess around with my breathing that much. Unlike the yogi, I’d rather let my body do its thing and hope for the best. And then there are people who are obsessed with their breathing. You know the ones I’m talking about who go on about how important it is to breathe deeply and mindfully. They tell you to take a deep breath and count to ten when you’re stressed out. Let’s be real. When you’re stressed out, the last thing you want to do is take a deep breath. You want to scream and punch something. Deep breathing might work for some, but for me, it’s a reminder of how un-Zen I am. Despite all its quirks and annoyances, breathing is amazing when you think about it. It’s the reason we’re alive, for starters. And it’s not just about taking in oxygen and getting rid of carbon dioxide. Breathing can also be a form of expression. Think about the way your breath catches in your throat when you’re moved by something beautiful, or the way you hold your breath when you’re scared or excited. Our bodies are trying to communicate something without using words. Then there are song lyrics devoted to breathing that actually spell out the importance of each breath. A favourite is by the Hollies. They sang, “Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you.” This was copied by Simply Red, another favourite, who sang similar lyrics. But they added, “Can’t think of anything I need, No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound, Nothing to eat no books to read, Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside, What more could I ask, There’s nothing left to be desired, Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you.” Wow! That gives breathing new relevance, don’t you think? And returning to our start, if you breathe 22,000 times a day, you will have taken 8,030,000 breaths in a year. Multiply that by your age, and you will have more respect for those little alveoli in your lungs, the tiny air sacs I studied at university many years ago! Of course, there are puzzles regarding air. One involves the crud that we ingest in our lungs when we breathe outdoors. It’s getting so bad that we require air quality alerts to warn us to stay indoors. Politicians pretend to improve the situation, but asthma and other pulmonary diseases are on the rise. A final puzzle for me is “Air on the G String,” beautiful music that celebrates Johann Sebastian Bach’s Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D major. Why is it named “Air on the G String?” This is confusing. Bach would never dedicate such beautiful music to a garment, a narrow strip of cloth covering the genitals worn by striptease performers. I suppose even classical composers found the act of breathing to be amusing. – Listen to Mike’s podcasts (humour, travel and poetry) at: The Retirement Coach: http://theretirementcoach.libsyn.com/ His book, ‘Don’t Ever Quit – a Journal of Coping with Crisis & Nourishing Spirit,’ is available in print & electronic format at Amazon: https://amzn.to/2KBdPWQ As a child, I often held my breath to get attention, but my mother was wise enough to wait me out. We do it without thinking, approximately 22,000 times a day. Breathing is something we must do to stay alive. Have you stopped to think about the absurdity of breathing? We suck in air and then blow it back out, like playing with a balloon, except instead of making it squeak, we make our bodies do weird things. Take a moment to appreciate the silliness of breathing. First, it’s noisy, especially for those of a certain age afflicted with sinus and nasal issues. Every time you take a breath, air rushes through your nose or mouth, creating a whooshing sound. It’s a miniature windstorm inside your head. If you have a cold, you’re snorting and sniffling and sounding like a walrus in distress. Not the most attractive sound in the world. Breathing isn’t just noisy. It’s also smelly. Have you ever been stuck in a crowded elevator with someone who hasn’t brushed their teeth in three weeks? Or sit next to a guy on a plane who can’t keep his mouth closed, his foul breath a