Leave space for husband as you return to school

Q My husband of 20 years and I have agreed on most major decisions regarding how our relationship supports both of us fairly. We both work, except for when I had maternity leave for our two sons and a daughter, whom we love dearly.

It’s been a busy life of kids’ education needs, sports, musical interests, etc. Also, my husband must sometimes travel for work, and I’ve willingly picked up “his” tasks.

But now I’ve introduced an added change of my own: I want to return to graduate school and increase my knowledge in my particular occupation. My husband thinks that’ll push the family into changing routines, e.g. who cooks/cleans when, who drives the youngest to their special activities, etc.

We’ll all have to make some adjustments, but I believe that’s part of our family commitment. The kids have firm schedules, but the eldest son can now drive when needed, and the other two mostly bike everywhere.

Also, my husband and I can rotate preparing/freezing meals, together with the kids on a weekend day. There can also be a cleanup rotation for the kids and us.

I’m approaching 50, have loved my work, but feel that more knowledge through achieving a master’s degree will provide more to offer my clients and the whole field.

My husband has responded that he’ll feel lonely when I’m studying at night. Your thoughts, please.

Relationship Conflict

A When the children were young, the sharing of tasks came naturally to you and your husband. When he travelled, you picked up everything necessary.

Now you have an ambition that’ll affect the rest of your life, and also influence your children’s view of their own choices ahead regarding education and family support.

You’re at a natural age/life stage for this choice, so long as you stay aware and understanding about how it affects your husband.

If you proceed, share your learning and insights gained from the teaching, without dominating conversation. Stay close with, for example, a day every weekend where nothing else affects you two having time together; inviting one or two new school friends to visit you both on a Saturday night or have dinner out together along with their spouse(s), etc.

Make staying connected while pursuing advanced learning an equal must-do in your life. You want support. So does he.

Q My sibling and I have a close, strong relationship. We recently lost a parent, grieved together and mostly agreed regarding estate matters. However, our late parent’s property was problematic. I suggested we keep it awhile or purchase it ourselves (home-ownership was a longtime goal for us both). We could sell later to pay off our parents’ debts and each have a start at a down payment. My sibling mentioned facing financial hardship; holding onto the property wasn’t possible. They wanted to move quickly, needing the funds for living expenses. We sold, paid off our parent’s debts and each received a tiny inheritance. Shortly after, my sibling bought a home before the inheritance funds were released. I’m thrilled for my sibling’s success. But I feel misled. My sibling admitted they weren’t struggling as much as they let on, they just wanted to wrap it up. How can I reframe my perspective? Trying to Avoid Bitterness

A Money can destroy the best of sibling relationships. Often, there’s only two choices: 1) State your feelings (misled and hurt) which usually brings a divisive response; or 2) Continue as a caring sibling, while avoiding further financial discussions/plans together.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A long-term couple relationship thrives on mutual fairness as well as equal support.